Lewis Capaldi - Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent Album Review

Background
Fuck it lets do this.

Lewis Capaldi is a Scottish singer and he sucks.
Overview
My favorite part of the album is how he thought the title was ironic. It's all too true,

My least favorite part of the album is the 42 minutes and 29 seconds I spent listening to it.

Track Reviews
1. Grace: This song really confuses me lyrically. Lewis Capaldi is saying "I'm not ready to be just another of your mistakes" which sure, he wants to stay with the girl. But let's look closer at that lyrics:

"I'm not ready to be just another of your mistakes". The another here implies that this girl makes a lot of mistakes. So this begs two questions: 1) why does Lewis feel this strongly about staying with her? and 2) why is he calling out how many mistakes she makes if he wants to STAY with her.

Also he does some vocal runs when signing "graa-a-a-a-a-a-ce" and sounds fucking awful. Shocker.
Rating: 1/5

2. Bruises: This sounds kinda familiar. Maybe we did it on the podcast? It also happens to sound extremely awful. Like *really* awful. The main melody is maybe four piano notes played very

very

very

slowly. The lyrics also really working for me. I don't really love the whole "I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind" thing. It just comes off as whiny as fuck. Also idk if I've expressed this yet but the man cannot sing high even though he really likes trying to sing high. I think the best way to describe it is that he's pushing himself way outside of his range while not allowing himself to switch into his falsetto, resulting in an obnoxious screechy belt thingy that he's known for.
Rating: 0/5

3. Hold Me While You Wait: I gotta be honest, this one's not bad. The production and beat (yes, it has a beat!) are actually pretty good. The lyrics are pretty good overall. They feel much more Dean Lewis than Lewis Capaldi, as he talks about not knowing if he's good enough, etc. He does veer into his typical whininess at points, but overall it's pretty good lyrically for him.

Shame it's sung by Lewis Capaldi or this could've been a good song. Especially that last note Jesus fuck.
Rating: 3/5

4. Someone You Loved: I remember I heard this song when it was #1 in the UK and thinking to myself "wow, this song is terrible. I sure hope it doesn't cross over to the US".

Rating: 0/5

5. Maybe: Hey maybe Lewis Capaldi made a good song?

maybe not. 

This song feels like Lewis Cabelting the song. He does the entire chorus in his terrible belty voice. Shame since I actually really like the production here. The guitar line is complex enough and nicely layered over a good beat. But it's really, really hard to get over all that belting.

Rating: 2/5

6. Forever: This is kinda just Someone You Loved 2.0, which I'd expect on his next album. But this is literally two songs after Someone You Loved. That said, I do think this is the better song. There's more of a beat and Lewis Cabelting. There is more of his falsetto, which is really not something I ever wanted to hear. Can someone just tell the dude he has a low range already, jeez. 

Also I think the lyrical theme of this song is "I never said I would die with you and no one said this would last forever but I really want to keep sleeping with you".

Rating: 0.5/5

7. One: Here's a Lewis Capaldi piano ballad with a twist: he's not the fuck up who let the girl go this time! No, in fact, it was *you* who broke her heart. Yes, you, you're so hard to please and because of you Lewis Capaldi gets to fuck this girl. 

Literally the lyrics of this song are soooo bad. It's brutally demeaning towards whoever Lewis is writing this about (seriously, go read that genius page) but the way it's written makes it sound like he's criticizing the listener, which yeah bad move Lewis.

Also with his Lewis Cabelting he goes higher than like I've ever heard him try to go except for mayyyyybe on his "when the party's over" cover (which is so amazingly awful and poorly thought through you must listen to it btw), so there's another negative.

Rating: 0/5

8. Don't Get Me Wrong: This album is on my last nerve right now. It's another piano ballad with shitty Lewis Cabelting in the chorus. I'm honestly not sure I can take four more songs of this.

The one positive (and with that it's a very light positive) I can give this is that the deep R&B-esque beat mixes well with Lewis Capaldi's lower register in the verses which should lead to a satisfying chorus. But it's a Lewis Capaldi chorus, I think ya'll know what went wrong.

Rating: 1/5

9. Hollywood: Holy fuck! It's a guitar! I thought Lewis only knew about pianos. Honestly, I think he's much better with a guitar. There's still the belting, but like I do think a nice guitar meshes well with his lower register. And the lyrics don't really stand out to me in any way. So yeah, for Lewis Capaldi this is the gold standard. But the gold standard for Lewis Capaldi is not really that good.

Rating: 3/5

10. Lost On You: I think this song made me realize something: Lewis Capaldi has two different lower registers. There's the one that just kinda sounds like a normal person who is bad at singing that he uses on most of the album, which I don't hate that much. But then there's the lower register he uses in this song and in Someone You Loved, where he sounds like he's right on top of the mic in a way. It contrasts really poorly with his belty choruses. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm tired and I've been listening to Lewis Capaldi for 30 minutes.

Anyways on to the song itself. It's a piano ballad with a belty chorus. In other words, it sucks.

Rating: 0/5

11. Fade: Ooooh an explicit song. Lewis Capaldi is getting so cool and edgy. 

He's doing the up close mic thingy here which unsurprisingly sucks. The chorus also might be the worst on the album. His voice and the beat and the piano are all on completely different tempos which is kinda impressive. Then for the second half the song he belts in the verse/bridge with off beat gospel voices. We even get a Lewis falsetto into Lewis Cabelting So yeah, on an album with Someone You Loved, One, etc. there's somehow a worse song.

Rating: 0/5

12. Headspace: I just don't have it in me for a big rant anymore. This is the same fucking song he's made 30 times on this album. He can't sing, the piano is boring, it sucks.

Rating: 0/5

Final Thoughts

Rating: 1/10 (Awful)

"Favorites": Hollywood, Hold Me While You Wait

Least Favorites: Bruises, Someone You Loved, One, Lost On You, Fade, Headspace

Recommendation: fuck no are you kidding?